Softening of edges...

It has been a while since I have sat down to write a post here. I have had a ton of stuff rolling around in my head that would make great blog fodder but for one reason or another it never made it out of my head. Things have been stressful lately, with trying to sell our house, wondering if A Bird would be accepted for another year of tuition and just the general lack of sleep that comes with having young children. This is just life, I guess and like the ups and downs of life and relationships L Bird and I found ourselves in a “down” moment where we each felt neglected and under-appreciated. It’s tough not to feel that way when our lives are consumed by our children’s needs and work, it doesn’t leave much time for each other. Luckily for us we “talked” about it, well talked is a general statement. It really means that L Bird talked to me and told me how she felt while I sat there silent and brooding unable to say anything because I can’t get the words out without being angry. I tend to take everything very personally and even if it isn’t meant to be I feel like it is an attack on me and my character. I know, stupid right? Eventually after enough brooding and rolling things back and forth in my thick head I see what L Bird is saying and I vow to myself to be better whether it’s being more talkative, more affectionate or just picking up more of the slack around the house. We are slowly pulling ourselves back to an “Up” portion of our relationship and things are getting back to where they should be.

But as I sit here and think about L Bird I realize how much I need her everyday and in every way. She makes me a better person. I know I am no peach to live with, but she softens and rounds off all of my sharp edges. I am not a nice person, I try to be but I know that deep down I’m not. I’m moody, I’m stubborn, I’m sarcastic and I rarely speak about anything let alone feelings. I can be arrogant and a loud mouth. I drink too much, too often. I tend to be apathetic about a lot of things, even at work people try to say things just to get a reaction out of me and I’ll stare at them blankly and say “It’s just water off a duck’s back”. I am suspicious of everything. I’m suspicious of what people say and what people do, I am always looking for the reason behind it. In 90% of cases I am normally right, there is always an angle behind it and I see it and put the wall up before they can get what they want from me. Yup, I am one big ball of happy sunshine feelings!

But I would be a lot worse if I didn’t have L Bird, I would be those things all the time. L Bird makes me realize that sometimes people just do or say things just to be in the moment and be genuinely nice. She is a mouthy, saucy, sarcastic wench most of the time but when she says something genuinely means it and I love that about her. I love that she is saucy and mouthy and I love that she is honest, sometimes brutally honest. She routinely challenges me and makes me realize that I am being stubborn or stupid. She draws me out little by little and pushes me to the light. She looks at all the things I dislike about myself and tells me that’s what she loves about me. She holds my hands that grip too tight and laughs at me when my lips twitch when I’m concentrating or thinking. She gets me to laugh at myself and be genuinely happy even if I have trouble showing it. She loves me for me and God knows I love her.

So thank you, my softener of edges (I know that’s corny, right?)! Thank you for being you and making me a better me.

Too “connected” ???

Yesterday was the only day all week that wasn’t supposed to rain and thankfully it didn’t. It was beautiful outside, sunny, clear and in the mid-70’s, it was great. Because the house is still on the market I took a couple hours off of work to go home and mow the lawn before it turned into a hay field from all this rain. I mowed and raked the lawn and I still had a couple of hours to enjoy the sunshine by myself. So I decided I would pack up Linus and hike the Keuka Lake Outlet Trail. I called L Bird and told her what I was doing and took off for the great outdoors.

On my way down to Penn Yan I decided that I would change my plans and start at the Dresden end of the trail because I had never been on that part of the trail. I was going to call L Bird when I got to the parking area to tell her a few things like where I was starting from, which direction I was hiking, and what I was wearing just in case something horrible happened. You know, something like I fell into quicksand and was transported to another dimension and was never seen from again, then at least the police would know where to put their caution tape so no one else would befall the same fate as me. However when I pulled into the parking lot in Dresden I realized that I had absolutely no cell service, not a single bar. But I figured what the hell, L Bird knew I was hiking and I only planned on being out of touch an hour to an hour and a half tops.

So Linus and I started walking and that’s when it hit me, I am too connected. At first it started whenever I came to an open area I would pull out my cell phone and hold it like I was holding Simba from the Lion King on top of that enormous rock searching for a signal. I would do that for a few minutes while Linus waited impatiently to get moving, then I would finally decide I got crap for reception and put my phone back in my pocket. We would walk along for awhile and I would snap a few pictures but every step we took further down the trail my stomach would sink with such a foreboding that I would almost turn around. I hated being out of touch, I couldn’t even enjoy my alone time. I was petrified that there would be an emergency with L Bird or the girls and because I was out of touch something horrible would happen that could have been prevented if I could be reached. I know, I’m crazy right?

After about a mile and a half of these horrific scenes playing out in my mind, it was too much for me to take so we turned around. We walked back at a normal pace even though I could feel my heart start to thump loud and clear. Eventually we made it back to the jeep and headed back towards civilization and connectivity. It turns out that my thoughts were not totally inaccurate, as soon as I got signal again to my phone it started going off. I had 2 voicemails and a “Call Me” text from L Bird. It turns out that L Bird’s Grandpa called the ambulance and was headed for the hospital. He is 90 or almost 90 and is starting to go through some old age issues. He was admitted to the hospital and is dealing with a few things but overall doing better and that’s the best we can hope for.

So I am really annoyed that I let myself become so connected to this world that I cannot spend any time without my phone. I am old enough to remember the time before cell phones, when you only called when you got somewhere or right before you left someplace. Other than that, you were off the chain and free to roam wherever and you never worried about someone not being able to get in touch with you. Going forward I am going to take some time to become disconnected and out of touch with technology, but it will have to better planned out than my trip yesterday.

Oh yeah, here are a few of the pics I snapped, nothing OMG fantastic but oh well I had other things on my mind, like impending doom lol.

How about you? Do you feel you are too connected to technology? Or do you feel that we need to be “connected” at all times?

Daytrippin’…

Today has been the first day in about a week that we have actually had decent weather with lots of sun and warm temps so we were definitely going to take advantage of it. Originally we were going to head into Kershaw Park and I was going to put A Bird in a kayak for the first time, however I quickly rethought that plan when I realized how cold the water is at this time of year and just what that does to a man’s wedding tackle if you know what I mean. So instead we decided to take a short road trip to Trumansburg, NY and go to Taughannock Falls State Park.

We packed the cooler with some subs and drinks and headed out. We stopped at the top of the park to take a look at the 215 ft falls from the top. That’s the pic above. Then we drove down to the park and pulled into the picnic area for a quick lunch before the hike.

It was perfect, we spread a blanket on the ground and the girls spread out and had some lunch, I manned the cooler from the picnic table and everyone was  fed and happy. It was in the shade of a large tree with just enough breeze to keep everyone cool. We were packing up the lunch when L Bird mentioned that a tree would be a good spot for a picture and well, A Bird never misses an opportunity to be in front of a camera so we shot a few quick pics.

With the cooler back in the car and Nat well shaded in the stroller we headed out. It’s only a 3/4 mile hike over mostly flat trail to the gorge with the falls, unless you decide to hike up the stream bed. Then , well it’s still only 3/4 of a mile but it feels like forever while you’re slowly slipping over algae covered stones trying to keep a fearless 6 year from falling and being swept away with the current. But hey it kept her happy,right?

Nat decided it was much better just to hang out in the stroller.

But we did take a few breaks to sit on a log that turned out to be a GIANT see-saw when I put my big ol’ frame down on it.

We also took in the usual stream wildlife. Some minnows of various sizes that shot through our feet and legs, the water bugs and mosquitoes, but what we saw the most of were tadpoles. There were places where the water was a giant black cloud of polliwogs.

Yep, all of those little black dots are going to be frogs one day.

We kept going and found a spot where L Bird ventured down to jump in the mix. It was a little slippery so A Bird had to lend a hand.

We finally made it to the end and took a few pics. We would’ve taken a lot more but on a warm sunny day, the end of the trail was mobbed with quite a few people.

A Bird and L Bird decided it was the time to practice for their upcoming tryout with the new Village People and started striking poses.

Then L Bird got a great shot of me with the girls that is destined to be hung in my office.

Now came the part that everyone hates, the hike back which was made oooooooh soooooo much more pleasant listening to A Bird whine about her feet hurting and she couldn’t walk another step. We managed to make it back with  some walking barefoot in the mud of the trail, a few short muddy piggy back rides and the promise of stopping for ice cream once we got back to the car.

All in all, it turned out to be a great day. Everyone had fun and is exhausted now. Nat and A Bird had baths and are off to bed fully worn out and hopefully happy. L Bird is trying to relax and I am taking in the rest of the day while I write this.

I am sitting on the deck watching the sun sink lower in the sky, listening to the chickens cluck and the birds around me chirp and flutter by with a cold Narragansett lager and a Vegas 5 cigar.

Life doesn’t get much better.  I hope you made the most of today, enjoy!

Transitioning …

Things have been super crazy around here, it seems like we never have a fee moment to ourselves anymore and when we do we are all too exhausted to do anything but flop down on the bed and try to reclaim some small portion of the numerous hours of lost sleep. We are all trying to get the hang of being a two child family and trying to make the transition into that family dynamic as smoothly as possible but man are there a lot of bumps in the road.

I forgot how much work having a baby is and how much sleep you lose and I am amazed that I wasn’t a walking zombie when we went through it with A Bird. We are making our way and defining routines for bedtime and things are starting to get there. Nat is still waking up around 3 AM every morning and then again as I am heading out the door for work so that always makes things interesting for L Bird. But I know eventually she will sleep all the way through the night, right?

One of the harder transitions that I didn’t even think about was how A Bird would respond to being a big sister. For 5 years she had been the sole attention getter of basically my whole family. She was our only child, she was the first and only grandchild  on my parents side, so how should I put this, she was and is spoiled rotten. Then last year in April my nephew Logan was born and then Nat came in December, so in the course of a year she has had to share the spotlight. We have had some rough patches where she wants our undivided attention and has had a tough time with it. It normally presents itself when L Bird or I are alone with the girls and we are feeding Nat, changing Nat or putting her down for a nap so our hands are obviously full and A Bird starts in with a ton of requests.”Can I have a snack?” “Dad, come look at this?” “Dad, can we go to Michaels?” “But I want it/to go/need it now?” She is just relentless. I try to explain that we will do all those things when I am done with Nat but it just leads to whining and carrying on until I lose my patience and snap at her. Then she runs off crying to her room and pouts and I feel like the worst father in the world. I know she is not aware that Nat takes a lot more time to care for so I feel like such an ass when I snap at her and she gets upset. We are figuring it out, I guess.

The other side of the pendulum is I can’t believe what an amazing big sister A Bird is and how Nat already loves her so much. A Bird has been an amazing help since Nat came home from the hospital. She grabs pacifiers, bottles and toys when they are out of reach and gives them to her sister. She grabs diapers and wipes for us when we have our hands full of a squirming half naked baby. She likes to help dress Nat. She is a huge help, but what is truly a joy for me to see if how much Nat loves A Bird. I routinely pick up the girls from daycare, so because I am home first I have a few things I need to do to make the night run smoothly. I have to let the dog out, go through A Bird’s backpack for homework and I like to start dinner. That doesn’t seem like much to do but when you have a fussy baby that you can’t put down it is a huge to do list. I’ll bed trying to accomplish all of this while Nat is fussing until I get to the point where I need both hands so I put Nat in her excersaucer and work through her “I’m irritated that you put me down and I’m going to cry and scream until you pick me back up” cries. During those cries my blood starts to boil, but I stay cool and go outside to let the dog back in the house. When I come in there is no more crying, only laughing and blowing raspberries. In the few short moments I am outside, A Bird is squatting down being a goof and Nat is a completely different baby. Her eyes sparkle as she watches A Bird dance around and make goofy faces. Nat laughs and coos and spits at A Bird until they are both laughing deep belly laughs and I just stand back in awe of what A Bird can accomplish so easily.

They love each other so much and are already thick as thieves.

So we’ll keep transitioning because that’s what life is right? One big transition. Bring on the next challenge, I guess but just don’t let be a big super hard challenge. There is only so much we can take, you know lol!

Living Simple…

I am getting older now but I still feel like a young buck even though there is white in my beard. I’m not old by any means but I have noticed things starting to change, my body is still healthy and strong but it is starting to show some signs of wear and tear from younger days of neighborhood football, fist fights, and car crashes. But what I notice changing the most is where I have settled in with who I am. I have been a lot of things in this life while I have been trying to find out who I actually am. I have been a scraggly, scared coke bottled glasses kid. I have been a fighter from birth. I have been a tough guy with a chip on his shoulder. I have been a wannabe wiseguy. I have been a brawler. I have been hot headed and mean spirited. I have been that guy that yells “Freebird” at concerts.

Yes, I have been many, many things along this path I call my life, but as I get older I just want things to be simpler. I look at my life and feel incredibly blessed. I am a husband a father of two beautiful girls. I am successful in what I do for a living. I know I have it good and I know that L Bird has had a hand in making me want to be a better person. Who I am now just craves a simpler time when families stuck together and were more self sufficient. I have slowly been taking steps towards living more simply and doing more for myself and not relying on big business or the government to “help me along”. It’s not much, it’s small things but the small things add up. The past few years L Bird and I have planted a garden and have been starting to can our own stuff. If you are a regular reader of this blog you know I have a small flock of chickens that keeps my family and friends well supplied with eggs. I find that there is a lot of peace to be found in gardening and animal husbandry. Yes there is hard work involved in turning the soil and weeding during the season but there is something so satisfying when you taste that tomato from your garden that you have planted and nurtured through the whole year. It tastes like nothing you’ve ever tasted from the grocery store. The same goes for keeping chickens, there is such pleasure in watching a flock of chickens grow from fuzzy little balls of fluff to mature chickens that produce food for your table. Some of the most peaceful times I have are when I am watching the chickens work the garden or when I squat down to pick something up and they all come running to me because they think I have a grub to throw to them. These are truly simple pleasures that help soothe my soul as well as feed me and my family.

The older I get the more I realize I want to be a farmer or a homesteader or whatever the hell you call it these days. It’s hard work and long hard hours but at the end of the day you feel how tired and sore your body is and you know that you put in a an honest days’ work. I want to be Old Man Schrader that owns a flock of hens and a few goats. I want to be that guy that grows a huge garden and works a few fruit trees. I want to be that guy that can sit on the front porch in the evening with a cigar that can share advice and a mug of homebrew with friends. I want to just be content with being outside and watching the stars with my wife and girls. I want to be that guy who is willing to give you a hand with no thoughts of payment or reward.

So that’s my plan if we ever sell our house. I am going to work the land, raise some animals and enjoy a country life with my family. I know that this sort of hokey now since last year’s super bowl but I had heard this long before that and I still think Paul Harvey says it best.

 

Enjoy!

The Waiting Game…

We put our house on the market and have seen some pretty decent traffic but we are still waiting for the right offer. So while we are waiting I still am going about my business with the house and garden just in case we are still here come the fall. So with that in mind I started some seeds for the garden.

 

I have peas, broccoli, cauliflower, heirloom tomatoes, big boy tomatoes, and peppers all started, now all I have to do is get the garden ready and workable to plant. Last fall I planted winter rye as a soil amendment. It looks like I just let the lawn grow it over.

I went out to start turning the rye under but then I decided that was way too much work. There had to be an easier way, that’s when it hit me.

Yep, I let chickens do the work for me. Its healthy for them to have all the fresh greens, they work the beds for me as well as fertilize it and as long as I have them off the beds for at least a month the “fertilizer” will be just right to turn in before planting.

So either way the garden will be turned and planted but who will harvest it only time wil tell.

Forever Missed: Roxy 11/21/98 - 4/2/2013

Yesterday was not a pleasant day, I had a lot going on with new carpet being installed and a few other things but what I had been dreading was a 2 pm vet appointment for Roxy. It turns out that what I had been dreading was the right thing to do and with a river of tears I said goodbye yesterday to the greatest dog I have ever had. She was 14 years old and old age had really gotten the best of her, she had lost a lot of muscle and weight and was unsteady on her feet. I have a great vet who broke it down for me into quality of life issues and made the decision easier to make. I know I made the right decision because I didn’t want her to suffer any longer, but it didn’t help me with saying goodbye.

I got Roxy when I was going through a real rough patch in my life. I was alone a lot, my girlfriend had left me, I was living alone in an apartment while trying to go to college full time and work part time. I figured a dog would do me good. I saw an ad in the paper for free pitbull/American bulldog mix puppies and I jumped at it. I called up and got directions to pick up a pup. I ended driving out into the middle of the sticks to this run down squalid trailer where I was met by one of the most unpleasant women I had met up to that point. She walked outside barefoot, in a nightshirt with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and pointed to a ramshackle dog house with the biggest, meanest, nastiest dog chained to it. The dog was barking ferociously and lunging to the end of its chain while 12 puppies ran around her. The woman pointed and said “Take as many as you want, just don’t get too close to their mama, she’s a bit mean.” I was starting to think this whole thing was a mistake then I saw Roxy, 11 of the puppies were mostly white with small patches of black, but Roxy was smaller and the only Liver/red pup in the bunch. I squatted down and she ran right over to me and that was it, I was in love. That was January 2nd, 1999.

From that day Roxy was there for me and I sacrificed a lot of things that probably would have made my life easier for her. I had her for about 4 months before I was abruptly evicted from my apartment due to a roommate that didn’t pay his share of the rent. My parents were in the process of building a new home and didn’t want all of the trouble of a new puppy in a new house and I can see their point, she did chew a lot of things up and it took a bit to get her house broken. So I could have moved home if I got rid of Roxy, but that just wasn’t going to work for me. Roxy was the first dog that was mine and all mine, not the family dog that I just got to pick out. So I ended up living in a camper on my Aunt’s land with no electricity and no running water, but I could have Roxy. I would go to work and come home at night and walk back up to the camper with my flashlight to find Roxy waiting patiently for me. I would feed her and let her run for a bit, then we would settle in for the night. I would light the oil lamp and read while she laid next to me on the bed and occasionally nudged my hand so I would pet her. Then we would call it a night and she slept next to me on the bed until morning. She continued to sleep on the bed next to me from then on until she could no longer jump up onto the bed this past year.

It took me about 6 months of living in the camper before I found another reliable roommate and an apartment that would accept dogs. It wasn’t the greatest apartment but it was what we could afford and I still got to keep Roxy. But from that point on things turned around for me and got so much better and Roxy was there by my side for all of it. I met L Bird, we dated, broke up, got back together, got married and got pregnant with A Bird. I remember I was so worried about Roxy with a new baby that it made me sick to my stomach, so I bought a CD of “baby sounds” like crying, laughing, gurgling etc and I played them for her over and over and she would just lay on the floor and look at me like I was an idiot. A Bird arrived and Roxy was amazing with her, she would lay next to her and when A Bird started crawling she routinely used Roxy as a step to make her way onto the couch.


Roxy has been the greatest dog anyone could have ever imagine, yeah she had her quirks like being a garbage hound and stealing cookies from your hand if you held it too close to her but she was my ear to cry to when no one else was around. She was my neck to hug when I was alone and wanted to give up. She was a head in my lap when I was sick or sad. She was my dog.

She will forever be missed.