My second defining moment came that following fall in my seventh grade year at school. I had gym class with a real douche bag, I still dislike him to this day, but I’ll leave him nameless for his sake. It was after gym and I was one of the last ones in the locker room, as I came around the corner all I heard was “Nice playing out there, retard!” and then I got punched in the chest. Well, what he didn’t know is that I had already been fighting with kids better than him all summer, so I just quickly reacted and threw a punch. I hit him square in the mouth and he landed on his ass with a split lip. The gym teacher heard the commotion and came in and broke it up before it went further. The teacher grabbed both of us by the collars and practically dragged us both to the Principle’s office. We both got yelled at and threatened with suspension, the kid I punched started crying, the big tough guy he was, and I just sat there stunned. After a little more yelling, the principle dismissed us, but as he did he gave me a wink.
He knew what I went through and it was his way of saying “Good job!” but also let me know I had taken my one shot and anything more wouldn’t be tolerated. So that was all it took for school, was that one tiny fight, people still talked junk but none of them had the balls to say it to my face and that was something I could live with.
I think it was those two things that led me to have such a “Tough Guy Complex”. I learned that, anyone who teased me or threatened me or made me feel bad about myself could be silenced pretty easily with a fist in the mouth. After that year, not many people hassled me and I started to get a reputation, even if it was a bad one.
I used that reputation as a coping mechanism, I acted like a prick and tried to show how tough I was so I could silence anyone before they could think about teasing me and making me feel worthless. I hate to say it but I kept using it right through my 20’s and because of it I don’t have many friends. I either scared most people away or they thought I was a meat head douche bag who they just didn’t want to take the time to get to know. I still catch myself falling into that behavior now, I’ll go out in public and I’ll catch people staring at me and I am instantly on the defensive, my chest puffs all up, my face turns into a sneer, my hands ball up and I’m ready to go. Then nothing happens of course and I feel like a jackass for the rest of the night because I feel like people are laughing at me and how I act. The whole thing just sucks.
But anyway before this turns into a bigger pity party than it already has, this is just one of the things that run through my head when I’m left to my own thoughts. Maybe I’ll bore you with some of the other randomness at some other point, but right now I’m spent and I feel a little foolish for putting this out there.
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