Unguarded…

Hell, I don’t even know where to start and more than likely I’ll regret this post because I’ll worry too much about what people think about me. I am sitting here reading Edenland, while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and drinking a couple of beers.  As I sit here and ponder my life, I realize that I truly envy L Bird.

L Bird has no filter, never has.  Whatever is on her mind just seems to spout from her mouth like water from a spring. Yeah, sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass for her and for me, but she doesn’t hold anything back. I envy that. I am completely the opposite and most of the time I am completely cool with that, but there are other times when I wish I could just spit out what I am thinking or what I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like I couldn’t say shit if I had a mouth full of it. I think a lot of it is based on fear. I’m not a nice person, I mean I’m a lot nicer than I used to be, but I fear what people would think if I told them what I thought. So I lock myself away in my head, hell maybe it’s better that way. Then I don’t have to see the awkward glances of fear or disbelief or worse yet disgust.

But I have gathered some courage from a random blog post from the blogger I said above, I know, how weird and sad is that. But whatever, don’t judge me monkey, people find inspiration in the oddest of  places. A “couple” of beers also doesn’t hurt. But anyway, here we go.

My mother and L Bird think I drink too much and sometime I agree with them. My Grandfather was an alcoholic, so it does run in the family. I fight that devil more times than I like to admit and secretly I wonder if I really am cursed or if I am sabotaging my own fertility. I try to stop drinking, but it’s like t has this weird hold on me.

A lot of people think I am a dick and have anger issues. I don’t have anger issues anymore, I used to be a hot headed prick as a kid because I took a lot of crap so I resorted  to breaking bones and heads to silence my “critics”. As I’ve grown older my fuse has grown longer and I let a lot more go. I still get down and knuckle up if I have to, but it takes a lot more to get me there.

Both of my parents feel incredibly guilty about getting divorced and that effect on me. I really am not angry at either of them even though I believe they think I am. I get it, sometimes, it just doesn’t work. Hey, shit happens, I still came out ok. Yeah I’m just as messed up as everyone else is, but I feel I am well adjusted and I love my parents.

I am, however, envious of my siblings. My parents both remarried and had children. On my Mom’s side she had two boys John,  seven years my younger and Aaron seventeen years my younger. On my Dad’s side, I have a sister Kali who is six years younger and a brother Zach who is thirteen years younger. Because I am so much older I am not as close to any of them as I would like. John and Aaron are very close, because I moved out while they were still young. I feel incredibly guilty for missing out on Aaron’s childhood. But because I wasn’t around they are very close. Then because I didn’t live with my Pop Kali and Zach are extremely close. When Zach has girlfriend issues he talks to Kali, not me. I am probably closest to my brother John, then Aaron, but I still feel like an outsider looking in when I am around any of them. I love them all so much, they are my blood and I would do anything for them but I doubt that they know that.

I miss both of my Grandmothers and my Great Aunt Gin a ton. These three women shaped my early life more than any one will ever know.

Sometimes I just not want to be the tough guy all of the time and just be nice and quirky. I would love to go up to people I know that are hurting and just say “You need a hug” and then give them a good squeeze. Or buy flowers for L Bird and A Bird, but buy an extra one and give it to the cashier,  just to make her day. Because people love getting flowers and it makes them smile.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin. For the most part, I am. The people I don’t care for never get close to me, but the ones that do I wish I were more comfortable to let them know just how much they mean to me.

Well, I suppose that’s enough of exposing my soul. Hell most of you will still never read this because once I come to my senses I’ll  delete this post. But in closing, I just want to say to YOU, be unguarded, tell people what you think, enjoy the small moments because you never know what is going to happen. Take pleasure in you family and friends. Pet the dog or cat and smile when they wag their tail or purr. Turn off you cell phones, put down the laptop and run around with your kids. Put on the pink hat and dance with your kid.  Just be you and screw everything else. If you are you, you can’t go wrong.