Out of sorts & back...

I don’t know, but lately I just have been feeling out of sorts. It’s like I can’t put organize my thoughts, let alone put them to paper. I haven’t posted in awhile, because every time I sit down to write my thoughts get jumbled and it starts turning into something else that wasn’t what I wanted to write in the first place. So I get irritated and delete the whole thing.


I mean things are great in my life, but I just feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I feel anxious and have irrational worries and fears. I worry sometimes that, hell, maybe I am just a high functioning crazy person. I routinely talk to myself in my head, I have paranoia about odd things, I mean for example I stack mud boots behind the doors to slow down intruders and give me an early warning should they try to break in, so I can come running out and, I don’t know, bludgeon them with my flashlight. I know, crazy right?

Then sometimes I just get so bombarded with negativity from the news and all of the horrible things that are happening in this world, and from twitter and facebook, that I just need to disconnect and shut it all off. I try to come back to center and find my peace again. If I had the money I have seriously contemplated just going off the grid. Just going back to a simpler time where you worked the land, lived off it and were almost shut off from the rest of the world. I have talked at length, half joking of course, with Captain Insano about going off the grid and growing coffee using home grown fertilizer from the goats I would have. I know, I sound like a Kook, or worse a hippie. I know, I know I have spoken bad about hippies in the past and here I am slowly gravitating towards them. Hell, I’m one step away from a farm commune. I really don’t mind the hippie attitude, so much as their cleanliness, most of the hippies I have come into contact with are dirty, have nappy hair and smell like patchouli which is a combination of dirt and cat piss. Plus the other thing I dislike about hippies is the fact that they preach about treating the environment better but they still drive around in their 1967 Diesel VW bus that pollutes the environment. But anyway I’m getting off topic. All I am saying is I would just like to lead a simpler life with less stress.

I just want to re-center and find myself again. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own head, like there is some dark secret behind every door that I crack open and peek through.

I started writing this post last week and that sums up last week. Everything above was as far as I had gotten and I didn’t finish it. It wasn’t what I wanted to write, but it is what found its way to the paper. This week seems to starting on a much better note, it’s funny how things can change. This week I feel much more comfortable in my own skin and more confident in who I am. Last week I saw all of my ugly faults, some of them I am working on and others I’ll never be able to change. These unchangeable faults are part of me and part of what makes me, well me. I don’t like all of them but I am thankful for them because they do make me unique in my own strange way. We’ll see where the rest of this week takes me. I know I’ll stumble but I am hoping not to dwell on the missteps and focus on lifting my feet higher.

But if by some chance I do win the lottery, don’t look for me. I’ll be forming my own commune off the grid…