So I am fighting an uphill battle. That battle is changing myself and let me tell you what, change is hard! Apparently, I am a miserable SOB, and hard to be around most of the time and I don’t seem happy with the world around me. I don’t feel like I am that bad, I am actually very happy with my life, I love my wife and daughter, I love my large family, I love my small tight knit group of friends, and I have a job that I actually really do love. But I guess things need to change when everyone around you can’t tell that you’re happy.
I’m not totally sure how I got this way, but I have a pretty good idea. I’m a pretty private person by nature, so I don’t really talk a lot about anything. I have a real personal attachment to my thoughts, where I don’t like to put them out there. What I think is my business, and if I wanted you to know I would tell you. It used to be pretty bad to the point of if you asked me a question the likely response you would get would be “What are you the cops? Mind your business”. I feel I have come a long way from that place, but I still don’t offer up a whole lot in terms of conversation. Now I know that by now most of you have heard my sob stories of being picked on and getting into fights stories and the oh poor me, school of hard knocks stories so I’m not going to go into that, but my lack of vocalization probably comes from that place.
I have always idolized the Mob or Mafia, not the current wiseguys but the old school Mob that still had honor and its Omerta. Growing up the only way I found to stop being teased and taunted or bullied was to fight back. So I slowly started turning myself into a tough guy. I loved watching movies and documentaries or reading books about the old school gangsters. They fought and sought revenge and when they were done, it was over. It was as if it never happened because you never spoke about it again. The old Dons were men of few words and they played their cards close and never really said much of anything. The games they played were always calculated and won in their minds long before it was decided in the streets, but you wouldn’t know until after the fact because they never said a word. I modeled myself after these characters in trying to make myself as tough as I could be. I would pound out anyone who looked at me wrong, but you would never know it or see any trace other than the occasional bruise or cut because I wouldn’t talk about it.
I went on like this through my teens and well into my twenties before I finally grew up and let a lot of anger fade. But by then it seemed to be too late, I couldn’t talk if I wanted too and it would seem that I keep a stone face because no one can read my emotions.
So that’s where I stand now and it is unacceptable to me to keep going on like this. I am fighting to change myself to let more emotion show and I think I can do it, but it is definitely hard. It has been only a short time but I think I am making strides. I am trying to smile when I answer the phone, they say that if you do that people on the other end can hear it in your voice. I am trying to laugh more often and let more things go when it comes to L Bird and A Bird. I guess I am a little more strict or I think things should be done a certain way so I get a little twisted when it doesn’t happen that way. In the big picture these things are really small things that aren’t worth the effort or frustration I put into them. I am making a point to let the people I love know that I love them. I am just trying to make small changes, like kissing L Bird when she gets home from work, picking A Bird up, hugging her and asking her about her day when she walks through the door. Where before I would be so caught up in trying to get the nightly routine of starting a fire so the house isn’t cold, starting dinner so we can all eat early and hopefully together, letting the dogs out…. Blah, blah, blah etc. etc that I wouldn’t pay either of them any attention until things finally settled down later in the evening.
I am turning the tide slowly, but I’m turning it. Here’s to small changes that lead to larger overall changes that lead to happier lives.
I’m not totally sure how I got this way, but I have a pretty good idea. I’m a pretty private person by nature, so I don’t really talk a lot about anything. I have a real personal attachment to my thoughts, where I don’t like to put them out there. What I think is my business, and if I wanted you to know I would tell you. It used to be pretty bad to the point of if you asked me a question the likely response you would get would be “What are you the cops? Mind your business”. I feel I have come a long way from that place, but I still don’t offer up a whole lot in terms of conversation. Now I know that by now most of you have heard my sob stories of being picked on and getting into fights stories and the oh poor me, school of hard knocks stories so I’m not going to go into that, but my lack of vocalization probably comes from that place.
I have always idolized the Mob or Mafia, not the current wiseguys but the old school Mob that still had honor and its Omerta. Growing up the only way I found to stop being teased and taunted or bullied was to fight back. So I slowly started turning myself into a tough guy. I loved watching movies and documentaries or reading books about the old school gangsters. They fought and sought revenge and when they were done, it was over. It was as if it never happened because you never spoke about it again. The old Dons were men of few words and they played their cards close and never really said much of anything. The games they played were always calculated and won in their minds long before it was decided in the streets, but you wouldn’t know until after the fact because they never said a word. I modeled myself after these characters in trying to make myself as tough as I could be. I would pound out anyone who looked at me wrong, but you would never know it or see any trace other than the occasional bruise or cut because I wouldn’t talk about it.
I went on like this through my teens and well into my twenties before I finally grew up and let a lot of anger fade. But by then it seemed to be too late, I couldn’t talk if I wanted too and it would seem that I keep a stone face because no one can read my emotions.
So that’s where I stand now and it is unacceptable to me to keep going on like this. I am fighting to change myself to let more emotion show and I think I can do it, but it is definitely hard. It has been only a short time but I think I am making strides. I am trying to smile when I answer the phone, they say that if you do that people on the other end can hear it in your voice. I am trying to laugh more often and let more things go when it comes to L Bird and A Bird. I guess I am a little more strict or I think things should be done a certain way so I get a little twisted when it doesn’t happen that way. In the big picture these things are really small things that aren’t worth the effort or frustration I put into them. I am making a point to let the people I love know that I love them. I am just trying to make small changes, like kissing L Bird when she gets home from work, picking A Bird up, hugging her and asking her about her day when she walks through the door. Where before I would be so caught up in trying to get the nightly routine of starting a fire so the house isn’t cold, starting dinner so we can all eat early and hopefully together, letting the dogs out…. Blah, blah, blah etc. etc that I wouldn’t pay either of them any attention until things finally settled down later in the evening.
I am turning the tide slowly, but I’m turning it. Here’s to small changes that lead to larger overall changes that lead to happier lives.
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