Descriptive moments of clarity…

The clock says 7:14 AM as my eyes snap open. The hair on my arms starts to bristle as I leave the warm sheets and the cool air hits my skin. I pull on a pair of faded, well worn blue jeans. The hem feels soft against the tops of my bare feet. Roxy yawns and stretches before lumbering off the bed and towards the back door.

I turn the handle and Roxy and I are through into the cool, morning stillness. Shafts of sunlight filter down through the pine trees and play in the early morning fog. Roxy’s nails click on the deck as she makes her way to her lead. I hook her up and she jumps off the deck. I stand and watch her go about her morning routine while listening to the chickens cluck to one another.

The air feels good across my bare chest as I breathe deeply. I take the time to take it all in. The way the wood of the deck feels rough and warm on my feet, the hum of the bee that floats by, the way the sunlight sparkles like millions of tiny diamonds in the morning dew on the blades of the greenest grass.

Roxy snorts and I watch her. I think to myself how she has had a good long twelve years and she still takes joy in the things she has always done. She still chases robins when they get too close to her and barks at the neighbors dogs when they come too close to her yard.

My mind wanders to the two sleeping girls in the house and the day beginning. The smell of fresh coffee wafts out the window.

Life is good.

Out of sorts & back...

I don’t know, but lately I just have been feeling out of sorts. It’s like I can’t put organize my thoughts, let alone put them to paper. I haven’t posted in awhile, because every time I sit down to write my thoughts get jumbled and it starts turning into something else that wasn’t what I wanted to write in the first place. So I get irritated and delete the whole thing.


I mean things are great in my life, but I just feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I feel anxious and have irrational worries and fears. I worry sometimes that, hell, maybe I am just a high functioning crazy person. I routinely talk to myself in my head, I have paranoia about odd things, I mean for example I stack mud boots behind the doors to slow down intruders and give me an early warning should they try to break in, so I can come running out and, I don’t know, bludgeon them with my flashlight. I know, crazy right?

Then sometimes I just get so bombarded with negativity from the news and all of the horrible things that are happening in this world, and from twitter and facebook, that I just need to disconnect and shut it all off. I try to come back to center and find my peace again. If I had the money I have seriously contemplated just going off the grid. Just going back to a simpler time where you worked the land, lived off it and were almost shut off from the rest of the world. I have talked at length, half joking of course, with Captain Insano about going off the grid and growing coffee using home grown fertilizer from the goats I would have. I know, I sound like a Kook, or worse a hippie. I know, I know I have spoken bad about hippies in the past and here I am slowly gravitating towards them. Hell, I’m one step away from a farm commune. I really don’t mind the hippie attitude, so much as their cleanliness, most of the hippies I have come into contact with are dirty, have nappy hair and smell like patchouli which is a combination of dirt and cat piss. Plus the other thing I dislike about hippies is the fact that they preach about treating the environment better but they still drive around in their 1967 Diesel VW bus that pollutes the environment. But anyway I’m getting off topic. All I am saying is I would just like to lead a simpler life with less stress.

I just want to re-center and find myself again. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own head, like there is some dark secret behind every door that I crack open and peek through.

I started writing this post last week and that sums up last week. Everything above was as far as I had gotten and I didn’t finish it. It wasn’t what I wanted to write, but it is what found its way to the paper. This week seems to starting on a much better note, it’s funny how things can change. This week I feel much more comfortable in my own skin and more confident in who I am. Last week I saw all of my ugly faults, some of them I am working on and others I’ll never be able to change. These unchangeable faults are part of me and part of what makes me, well me. I don’t like all of them but I am thankful for them because they do make me unique in my own strange way. We’ll see where the rest of this week takes me. I know I’ll stumble but I am hoping not to dwell on the missteps and focus on lifting my feet higher.

But if by some chance I do win the lottery, don’t look for me. I’ll be forming my own commune off the grid…

What a weekend…

This weekend turned out to be busier than I had originally had planned. It was definitely more ups than downs, but it was more good than bad.

It started out Saturday night with going out with the Goof Troop and some family to Sakura, the Japanese Hibachi restaurant. It was a little pricey but man was it fun. There were ten of us sitting around the hibachi catching food and lots and lots of sake in our mouths. The food was fantastic, our chef was great  and there were lots of dirty jokes had by all about catching things in their mouths. It was awesome. Then the Goof Troop came back to our house for a few drinks and everybody had a nice time.

Then today came and things started off pretty good. Captain Insano stopped by with a truck load of wood for me. Then we hung out and talked gardens, growing coffee, goats and a ton of other stuff. I know, I’m turning into a hillbilly, right? Then the Captain left so I bottled up my Maibock that I had been patiently waiting for, the day is still going great. Then the day decided to throw up on me, well Roxy threw up anyway.

Roxy is getting up there in years, she is twelve and really starting to slow down. So she threw up a few times, but she occasionally has done that. It’s a pain in the butt to clean up but normally she feels better. So we watched her all afternoon and she had a few more incidents, but she seemed to be going longer in between them so I thought she was on the mend.

So I ran out to the gas station because my tire pressure light had come on. I started to fill the tire and I noticed I could hear air coming out and located a small pin hole in the tire. It was small enough so I figured  I could use a can of fix a flat to stop the leak. I go in and buy a can and put it in and drive slow around the parking lot and then top up the tire with some air. My tire pressure light goes off and I think everything is good. Then L Bird calls me and says that Roxy threw up again and there was a little blood in it. Great! So I have her call the vet and see what she says and I start out for home. I’m almost home and my tire pressure light comes on again right as L Bird calls me. The vet gave us some instructions and told us to watch Roxy, so that crisis is temporarily on hold, but my tire pressure light is still on. I pull over and get out to check the tire and I can hear air rushing out of the tire, the fix a flat didn’t help. I was about 100 yards from a flat pull off, so I limp the car to pull off and spend the next half hour changing my tire.

So that just rounded out my afternoon, but it didn’t ruin it. I got home and went out and enjoyed the weather. I found a good spot to plant some horseradish and planted 5 roots. It just has been one of those exhausting weekends, but it has been more good than bad, so I’ll take it. Hope you enjoy the rest of yours!

Trying to catch up…

It has been a long couple of weeks. The end of last week, I was down in Nashville, TN on business and that was a whirl wind trip, but luckily for me I got to travel with friends from work. It was a typical business trip for me, work hard during the day, meet people and network, then once the day is done its time to play hard.

A couple of the highlights were going to BB King’s bar and having a blast. Too much of a blast for some of us, because one of our party who will remain nameless was turned away from our next stop, The Wildhorse Saloon. In fact, he actually was told “walk it off, buddy” by the bouncer. It was classic. But it was cool, we made it into The Wildhorse the next night, which I wasn’t entirely too impressed with. I also took in my first NHL game and watched the Detroit Red Wings beat the Nashville Predators in overtime. The game was pretty cool, but watching this guy in front of us was awesome. He had a personalized jersey that said “Clean Gene” and he was insanely into supporting his team. He was doing all sorts of hand signals, yelling at the refs, dancing and just generally being a freak. Then the trip wrapped up with one of our flights being cancelled and us spending a 10 hour layover at O’hare Airport in Chicago.

Once I was finally home I was completely exhausted. I took Monday off because I got in so late Sunday night. It was nice to spend time with my girls, but I was pretty worthless. I just wanted to sit and veg out. So Tuesday came and I was swamped with the day to day work that had been piling up while I was out. So the rest of  this week has been playing catch up both at work and home.

So it has been lots of work at work and lots of quality time with A Bird. Which means watching Tangled for the hundredth time, playing “safari pirates” outside on the play set, and having tea parties with apples and apple juice. For those of you that have never played “safari pirates” it goes like this. A Bird climbs her play set and looks through the telescope and spies her “treasure”  i.e. bird feathers, pine cones, rocks etc. Then I help her down and run behind her with her “discovery bucket”. She then picks up whatever her treasure is and puts it in her bucket. Then its my job to guard the “treasure” from Linus. So I actually have no idea where the “safari” comes into “safari pirates”, it all just sounds like plain old pirates to me. But anyway, its still all good and worth all of the running.

Unguarded…

Hell, I don’t even know where to start and more than likely I’ll regret this post because I’ll worry too much about what people think about me. I am sitting here reading Edenland, while watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and drinking a couple of beers.  As I sit here and ponder my life, I realize that I truly envy L Bird.

L Bird has no filter, never has.  Whatever is on her mind just seems to spout from her mouth like water from a spring. Yeah, sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass for her and for me, but she doesn’t hold anything back. I envy that. I am completely the opposite and most of the time I am completely cool with that, but there are other times when I wish I could just spit out what I am thinking or what I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like I couldn’t say shit if I had a mouth full of it. I think a lot of it is based on fear. I’m not a nice person, I mean I’m a lot nicer than I used to be, but I fear what people would think if I told them what I thought. So I lock myself away in my head, hell maybe it’s better that way. Then I don’t have to see the awkward glances of fear or disbelief or worse yet disgust.

But I have gathered some courage from a random blog post from the blogger I said above, I know, how weird and sad is that. But whatever, don’t judge me monkey, people find inspiration in the oddest of  places. A “couple” of beers also doesn’t hurt. But anyway, here we go.

My mother and L Bird think I drink too much and sometime I agree with them. My Grandfather was an alcoholic, so it does run in the family. I fight that devil more times than I like to admit and secretly I wonder if I really am cursed or if I am sabotaging my own fertility. I try to stop drinking, but it’s like t has this weird hold on me.

A lot of people think I am a dick and have anger issues. I don’t have anger issues anymore, I used to be a hot headed prick as a kid because I took a lot of crap so I resorted  to breaking bones and heads to silence my “critics”. As I’ve grown older my fuse has grown longer and I let a lot more go. I still get down and knuckle up if I have to, but it takes a lot more to get me there.

Both of my parents feel incredibly guilty about getting divorced and that effect on me. I really am not angry at either of them even though I believe they think I am. I get it, sometimes, it just doesn’t work. Hey, shit happens, I still came out ok. Yeah I’m just as messed up as everyone else is, but I feel I am well adjusted and I love my parents.

I am, however, envious of my siblings. My parents both remarried and had children. On my Mom’s side she had two boys John,  seven years my younger and Aaron seventeen years my younger. On my Dad’s side, I have a sister Kali who is six years younger and a brother Zach who is thirteen years younger. Because I am so much older I am not as close to any of them as I would like. John and Aaron are very close, because I moved out while they were still young. I feel incredibly guilty for missing out on Aaron’s childhood. But because I wasn’t around they are very close. Then because I didn’t live with my Pop Kali and Zach are extremely close. When Zach has girlfriend issues he talks to Kali, not me. I am probably closest to my brother John, then Aaron, but I still feel like an outsider looking in when I am around any of them. I love them all so much, they are my blood and I would do anything for them but I doubt that they know that.

I miss both of my Grandmothers and my Great Aunt Gin a ton. These three women shaped my early life more than any one will ever know.

Sometimes I just not want to be the tough guy all of the time and just be nice and quirky. I would love to go up to people I know that are hurting and just say “You need a hug” and then give them a good squeeze. Or buy flowers for L Bird and A Bird, but buy an extra one and give it to the cashier,  just to make her day. Because people love getting flowers and it makes them smile.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin. For the most part, I am. The people I don’t care for never get close to me, but the ones that do I wish I were more comfortable to let them know just how much they mean to me.

Well, I suppose that’s enough of exposing my soul. Hell most of you will still never read this because once I come to my senses I’ll  delete this post. But in closing, I just want to say to YOU, be unguarded, tell people what you think, enjoy the small moments because you never know what is going to happen. Take pleasure in you family and friends. Pet the dog or cat and smile when they wag their tail or purr. Turn off you cell phones, put down the laptop and run around with your kids. Put on the pink hat and dance with your kid.  Just be you and screw everything else. If you are you, you can’t go wrong.

Lazy Weekend…

This weekend has been a lazy one, well as lazy as they get around our house. L Bird is still recovering from her surgery. She is still very sore and incredibly itchy and it is pretty much making her miserable. You know that saying “If Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” well there is a bit of truth to that. It’s actually not that bad, she hasn’t been bad, I just feel bad that she is so miserable and there is not much I can do about it to help. It will just take time to heal and it will suck for her right now.

So based on that we haven’t done a whole lot. Yesterday I spent most of the morning hanging with A Bird coloring and watching television. L Bird took some benedryl to help with the itching but it pretty much knocked her out. A Bird went down for a nap and L Bird got up,  so I went out to help Cpt. Insano put together a giant trampoline his niece and nephew got for their birthdays. Two hours and a couple of beers later we had it all put together and the kids were able to jump on it for like five minutes before it was completely pitch dark. I came home in time to hang out for a few minutes with the girls before we put A Bird to bed.

Now this morning everyone is moving slow and its nice. L Bird and I are drinking coffee and A Bird is having a dance party to the television.

So after the dance party is over, we don’t have much planned as L Bird is still pretty sore and doesn’t feel like doing much. The most I have planned is taking A Bird to Michael’s for more craft supplies.

Well, enjoy the rest of your weekend. My number is coming up in the dance party, I’m being paged to the stage and I need to stretch so I don’t pull a hammy.

Reflection…

It has been a long, long week, but even as tiring as it was, it was a great week. It has been very busy, but I finally found a little time for reflection. As I write this I am sitting out on my back deck on March 20th in nothing but a sweatshirt and jeans (It's upstate NY, I should still be wearing my winter jacket, lol) and the sun shining down warmly on my back. I am enjoying the sunshine, smoking a cigar, and smelling the marinated pork tenderloin I have on the grill. Life is good.
This week has really put a lot into perspective for me. L Bird had surgery this past Wednesday, so there has been a lot of stress along with that. Just leading up to the surgery we were both worried about how the surgery would go and how she would react to anaesthesia. She was stressed and nervous and privately in my own mind I was a nervous wreck. All of the “what ifs” ran through my head on a constant loop and I was petrified to think what would happen if something went wrong and God forbid I lost L Bird. But thankfully the surgery went off perfectly, which led to the next struggle for us, L Bird’s loss of independence. She has not been able to move her arms for the last 4 days and can’t move them for another 2-3 days. So I have been Mr. Mom for the last 4 days, I have been taking care of her, A Bird and Linus who also had surgery this week to be neutered. I think I have handled myself fairly well without any catastrophes. I have gotten A Bird back and forth to daycare, fed and clothed both A Bird & L Bird and waited on their every need. It has been tiring, but not as bad as I had thought it could be.
So through all of this I have come to realize that I lead a truly blessed life. Yeah I have a lot of troubles with every day stuff, I struggle just like everyone else and I have the Schrader bad luck where nothing comes easy, but all in all I am truly blessed.
I have a wonderful wife who I love and she loves me:

I am blessed with a truly amazing daughter, that keeps me on my toes and makes me proud every second of everyday.

I have a amazingly awesome family that has supported me through the thick and thin, and love me for who I truly am. I could put in pictures of everyone but it would take up more than this one post could handle, but they know who they are.
I am blessed with awesome friends who I can call on at anytime, with a truly tight inner circle of the Goof Troop. Check the link for some of their exploits, lol.
I have an awesome job, that I love and can’t believe that they pay me for. Yeah sure, it has its moments like any other job where you want to go crazy but overall I love it. I mean they send me all over the country and the world. They sent me to Australia, for pete’s sake. Now that was pretty awesome.

Berri, South Australia

The Murray River in the Riverland. (In the bush, lol)
I guess I just wanted to take the time to actually say that I am very grateful for all I have and all of you that have touched me and my life. You have all had a hand in my life in one way or another and for that I am very happy. I love you all and I am truly blessed!