Self image is a bitch. It can make you strong or crumble you like dust in the wind. Everybody struggles with these issues I know, but man when they hit me they just seem to suck the life out of me. For the most part, I am a head strong, confident (bordering on cocky at some times), and firm in my views of myself and the world. I know who I am and what I am and I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago.
This is how it is most days, but every once in awhile insecurity creeps in and washes over me like a wave pounding the reef. I try to stand tall against it but my mind just keeps coming and coming until I am so worn down I can’t stand anymore and the wave crushes me underwater against the reef squeezing the air from my lungs. It’s these times that make me feel incredibly unsure about everything in my life. I lose all confidence and I turn into this shell of myself that questions everything. I read into everything way too much and decide that this is all happening because of something I did or something I didn’t do. I feel like all of the bad things I have ever done in my life will be exposed to the world and the world will see me for the pathetic scumbag I really am. I get anxiety attacks and am terrified that people will see that I am just not that good and just cut ties with me. I am terrified of losing my two birds, L Bird and A Bird. I am terrified that work will find out that I am a sham, that I am not as intelligent as they think I am and I’ll be out on my ass with no means to provide for my family. I am afraid that I will lose everything and spiral down into a broken down, no hope drunk that people pass by in the gutter.
Because my nature is to plan for everything, I try to cut off my perceived downward spiral by asking questions of those around me that I am insecure about. This normally backfires on me, be they get irritated by my questioning when to them it has nothing to do with me and they can’t see why it bothers me so much. But that doesn’t stop me, because I just keep pushing and pushing because I HAVE to know what it is I am doing to cause the situation so I can fix it, so I don’t lose everything. Then it comes to the point where I get angry. I get angry at myself for being so weak and insecure, I get angry that I just can’t let things drop and leave them be. Then my anger for myself spills out onto the ones I love and have been pestering with questions. Guilt. Afterwards I immediately feel guilty for getting angry and guilty that I just couldn’t believe them when they told me it wasn’t me. I try to make up for it, by telling them how much I love them and how thankful I am to have them in my life. But by then I feel like the little kid who offers up his football to the bigger kids just so he can be included.
Like I said, self image is a bitch, but I always seem to turn it around. I quiet the negative voices by letting my cocky, arrogant self to show through like a bright light in my mind. I puff myself up and tell myself that I will not let this world beat me. I will be strong, I will make my mark on this world. The things I have done wrong in the past are not what defines who I am today. I can’t change the past, I can only do what I can in this moment to be the best version of myself possible and build a better future. It works to quiet the negativity in my head to a tiny, almost inaudible sound that lurks in the back of my mind. Once I am back to center, I dial back my cockiness and arrogance and just try to be me.
I just try to be Naps. A good husband to L Bird, a good father to A Bird, a good person for my family, a true friend to the few friends I have, a good employee for my boss, a man who is confident in the world around him.
Well, I have rambled on long enough. Do any of you struggle with things like this? Or am I just coming unwrapped and I need to be medicated?
This is how it is most days, but every once in awhile insecurity creeps in and washes over me like a wave pounding the reef. I try to stand tall against it but my mind just keeps coming and coming until I am so worn down I can’t stand anymore and the wave crushes me underwater against the reef squeezing the air from my lungs. It’s these times that make me feel incredibly unsure about everything in my life. I lose all confidence and I turn into this shell of myself that questions everything. I read into everything way too much and decide that this is all happening because of something I did or something I didn’t do. I feel like all of the bad things I have ever done in my life will be exposed to the world and the world will see me for the pathetic scumbag I really am. I get anxiety attacks and am terrified that people will see that I am just not that good and just cut ties with me. I am terrified of losing my two birds, L Bird and A Bird. I am terrified that work will find out that I am a sham, that I am not as intelligent as they think I am and I’ll be out on my ass with no means to provide for my family. I am afraid that I will lose everything and spiral down into a broken down, no hope drunk that people pass by in the gutter.
Because my nature is to plan for everything, I try to cut off my perceived downward spiral by asking questions of those around me that I am insecure about. This normally backfires on me, be they get irritated by my questioning when to them it has nothing to do with me and they can’t see why it bothers me so much. But that doesn’t stop me, because I just keep pushing and pushing because I HAVE to know what it is I am doing to cause the situation so I can fix it, so I don’t lose everything. Then it comes to the point where I get angry. I get angry at myself for being so weak and insecure, I get angry that I just can’t let things drop and leave them be. Then my anger for myself spills out onto the ones I love and have been pestering with questions. Guilt. Afterwards I immediately feel guilty for getting angry and guilty that I just couldn’t believe them when they told me it wasn’t me. I try to make up for it, by telling them how much I love them and how thankful I am to have them in my life. But by then I feel like the little kid who offers up his football to the bigger kids just so he can be included.
Like I said, self image is a bitch, but I always seem to turn it around. I quiet the negative voices by letting my cocky, arrogant self to show through like a bright light in my mind. I puff myself up and tell myself that I will not let this world beat me. I will be strong, I will make my mark on this world. The things I have done wrong in the past are not what defines who I am today. I can’t change the past, I can only do what I can in this moment to be the best version of myself possible and build a better future. It works to quiet the negativity in my head to a tiny, almost inaudible sound that lurks in the back of my mind. Once I am back to center, I dial back my cockiness and arrogance and just try to be me.
I just try to be Naps. A good husband to L Bird, a good father to A Bird, a good person for my family, a true friend to the few friends I have, a good employee for my boss, a man who is confident in the world around him.
Well, I have rambled on long enough. Do any of you struggle with things like this? Or am I just coming unwrapped and I need to be medicated?
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