Just Venting......

Just my ramblings, take it for what its worth. Every man has a past and sooner or later you have to come to terms with that past and deal with it. Your past is what has built you, it is what makes you weak, makes you strong, makes you resilient. You have taken everything up unto this point and defeated it or used to become the man you are today. But every once in awhile it your past bubbles back to the top and you have to deal with it all over again.


I think of myself as a pretty good man, but I’m no saint. I have a rough and rowdy past, I have done a lot of things for which I am not proud, but I am better for them. I have learned from those things and pulled myself from the ashes of those fires I’ve started and strode forward as a stronger man for it. I am proud of that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss being that man. It is a struggle I sometimes fight, when I see the way of the world today and the people in it, I long for the times when I was young. I miss being that meathead that had made his bones and had a reputation. I miss the feel of easy money in my hands and fear in my enemies. So just because I’m struggling, let me give you a few examples:

When I go out to a restaurant or a bar and I look around the room and all of the guys in it are tan, wearing shirts that are too tight to make their biceps bulge or their collars popped while wearing those stupid aviator sunglasses, I see nothing but fake ass tough guys. They are all a bunch of posers, you’re not a tough guy. You’re a pretty boy, fake ass, two bit punk who’s mouth is too big for your own good. Back in the day if you would have tried to mean mug me with your metro-sexual look I would’ve folded you like a cheap suit. You’re not an original tough guy, you are what the movies portray as tough guys. Tough guys don’t look like you, they look like me, they look old, beat up, have scars, not perfectly built and well manicured. If you want to pick out a tough guy, look at his hands, what do they look like? They are all dinged up, scarred from countless teeth, bent from broken fingers, not well kept trimmed fingernails with perfectly straight fingers. You are not a tough guy until you have fought more times than you can remember, until you tasted your own blood, hot and salty on your tongue, until your eyes have swollen shut to slits but you are still swinging, because you will not be defeated by going down easy. You’re a tough guy when you know you’re going to get your ass kicked but you don’t shy away, you swing away and give worse than you get. When you leave your enemy in a pile of rubble and limp away to fight again then you’re a tough guy. When you have the honor to fight one on one and not have your friends jump in and let the conflict end on the results, only then can you call yourself a tough guy.

Another example is the business world. I struggle with authority, I always have. Its hard for to smile pretty and nod when all you want to do is come across the table and smack the arrogant prick in the mouth. You have to play nice and be fake to achieve what is rightfully yours, where in the old world you could just take it. “Good things come to those who take them” was once said to me and I lived by that for a long time. Now I’m not a thief or bully, but I took what was mine. Things that you can’t buy, things like honor, respect, accountability. If these things weren’t offered up front, you made them pay the price and learn to give them to you. Now you have to sit through countless meetings and listen to arrogant, condescending asses that have no clue of the real world or how it works. They go to preppy little business schools and learn to fine tune their smiles and plans, but have no idea that an ounce of respect given could earn them the loyalty they so desperately need to attain to climb that corporate ladder. They speak in condescending tones and sit on pedestals handing out demeaning orders or tasks, which makes true blue guys like myself, who have seen the darker side of things not respect them. It would be so easy to just be that old guy and show them that certain people demand respect and there are penalties for not showing it.

These are thoughts that I struggle with sometimes, I really do miss being a tough guy. I miss the respect and the “honor amongst thieves”, that there was. But I am smart enough to know that I made the right decision and learned the right lessons, because if I was still that meathead, I would be unemployed or locked up. I know I’m on the right path now, I see the rewards everyday with the two women in my life, my wife and my daughter. If not for them, I would be a different man.

So even though I struggle with that old meathead, I take the lessons I’ve learned from him, and go forward. Be decisive and live with the results good, bad, or indifferent, hold yourself accountable, be honorable, show respect and demand that it shown to you through your actions, don’t roll over if you believe in something and still live by “Good things come to those who take them”, only now those things are opportunities for knowledge, classes, trainings, trips whatever you can take to make yourself more “powerful” in the new world.



So just take this for what it’s worth, it’s just my thoughts

The "Special Men" Test

Last week I had a doctor's appointment for a lump on my jawbone, but I figured as long as I was at the Dr's office I would try to cram a bunch of other stuff in. So I got a flu shot and after some other conversation I got this:

This is my "Special Men" / specimen cup for my "fertility" sample. My wife and I originally had to go through fertility treatments to try and have A Bird, and I was the main reason. So we have been starting to try to have another baby, so I figured I should request this test just to get a baseline and see where my count was and if it had changed.

I was originally going to "take my test" last Wednesday, but couldn't miss the time from work, so I have been putting it off until tomorrow. It is always an uncomfortable experience because of the rules of how to "take the test" and the fact that I have to have it to the lab within 30 minutes.

So I haven't been really putting a lot of thought into it because its kind of a pain in the ass, but then I was walking past my boss's office to hear that one of my peers' wife was pregnant with their 3rd child. That kind knocked the wind out of me, that news just kind of punched me in the gut. I am super happy for him, he is a great guy and I respect him and his work which is a rarity for me, but I definitely felt the sharp pang of jealousy.

So after today's news, it just strengthens my resolve to take my "test" and hope for the best. Tomorrows the day, hopefully I'll get an A with lots and lots of straight swimmers and not the D - I usually get.

Wish me luck!

Fridays with A - Bird......

Well, I've had it really lucky for the last year and a half. I have been able to have Fridays off and spend them with just A Bird. The winery I work for went to four ten hour days in June '09, so since then I have been working Monday through Thursday and spending every Friday with A Bird. It has been great bonding time for us and we do a variety of different things from going grocery shopping to going to the zoo, but unfortunately our Fridays are drawing to an end. My winery is being consolidated into another larger location, so I am going back to five eight hour days sometime before the end of the year. I am grateful to keep my job, but am upset at losing my special Daddy/Daughter time.

Now I'll have to squeeze our time in on the weekends that always seem cram packed already. It will be fine, I'll be home 2 hours sooner every afternoon so I'll make  up some of my time before L Bird gets home. I'm sure it will work out fine, but it still just sucks.

I mean Fridays are the days where I'm cool and I do cool things like rescue Strawberry Shortcake's lemon scented girlfriend from birdhouses.

Or I find all of the incredibly small doll clothes that have been lost and dress whatever Disney Princesses is nude at the time.

I mean c'mon look at how tiny that doll is in my big meat hook. It takes quite a bit for me to manipulate my fingers around the clothes and actually get them on to A Bird's specifications. But even with that mild frustration, I am still going to miss my Fridays.

Well, I'm off to find Ariel's pink dress (a,k,a her bath time dress) so A Bird can take a bath and I can get soaked from all the bubbles and splashes. Yup, I'm going to miss this time.

Who doesn't love knotty pine?

Well, L Bird wants some new night stands for the bedroom. Ours are the cheapo kind that generally lasts a little over two nights before a shelf snaps and the whole thing falls in on itself. So the state of our night stands leaves a lot to be desired. But I have pieced them back together and we have made the best of them, but we definitely could use new ones.

One of my other hobbies is wood working. I have made a wobbly coffee table (it was fine with a little stabilizing), not one of my best efforts, two book shelves, which came out quite decent, and a really nice quilt ladder. So I figured what the hell I would give a night stand a try.

L Bird loves the country look/theme, so I figured what's more country than knotty pine. So after a quick trip to Lowe's, here's what I got going so far.

 

Two sides that have put together with butt joints using my trusty plate jointer.

Two pieces being joined.

Basic stand all framed in. The smaller hole is where a drawer will go.

The finished roughed in frame.

So now I have some finish work to dress it up a bit. I'll build a drawer, then a nice finish routed top plate and I'll dress up the sides with some nice trim work which will also double as legs to give it a little more height. Then sand it all down, stain it and voila - Knotty Pine Country Night Stand, or so I hope.

Well, back out to the shop.......

Odd Find

The other day I was on my lunch break, and I decided to go to a couple of cemeteries. My Grandmother is buried in a one on my way to work and my other Grandparents and Great Aunt is buried in the cemetery around the corner from where I work. I drive by them quite a bit and I always feel guilty because I rarely stop to pay my respects. I stopped at both cemeteries, made the way to headstones and made my peace.

I find myself really at peace in these cemeteries. Its always so quiet and peaceful, there is rarely anyone other than me there any time I stop. So I can take my time and enjoy my moments remembering my Grandparents. I also really enjoy the architecture of the cemeteries. They both are very, very old, so they have a ton of great things to look at. I especially like the look of the mausoleum.

So as you can see from above, I stopped to take a few pictures on my way out. I especially like the last picture, that is the covered entrance to the mausoleum, but to me it really looks like the tunnel to the "other side" with the headstones in the background.

Then finally, my lunch was over and it was time to head back to work. I got to the entrance of the cemetery and as I was waiting for traffic to move so I could pull out, I spotted this:

I thought that this was a really interesting business opportunity that someone had seized. I actually think it would be really cool to ride on a horse drawn carriage and take a tour of the cemetery. To hear the history behind the cemetery and some of the more noted families in it, just sounds awesome. So who knows I may give them a call for next Thursday and set up a tour, if I do I'll keep you posted.

Fresh Eggs, Finally!!!!

So I originally had a great post about a local cemetery and an odd thing I found in it that I was going to post tonight, but then I had a great little surprise, well two of them actually, when I got home this afternoon.

My first two eggs!! I have had these chickens since they were a day old way back on April 6th. I have built them a beautiful coop and run, fed them, watered them, gave them plenty of fresh fruits and veggies. I have scratched their backs and sat out there in the coop with them "talking" to them and they had given me nothing. But today that all changed, they started producing and it was so worth it. I can't wait until tomorrow when I'll crack one open and give it a taste. I'm so excited!

Oh and A Bird is super excited too!