He sat down at his desk and fired up his computer and thought about what he wanted to say. As he was mulling over the thoughts in his head, he mindlessly typed his password to his email and opened up a new message. His fingers rested on the keyboard like old dogs stretched out on a sunny front porch waiting for a squirrel to chase, only his fingers weren’t chasing squirrels. They were waiting to chase those elusive words that described his feelings and how he really felt about her. Words and feelings had never been easy for him and today it seemed they were even harder still. After what felt like an eternity he turned from the screen.
He looked over his desk, at all of the things that had amassed on it through the course of a career. He had the usual arrangement of office supplies, staplers, tape dispensers, paper clips, post it notes and an endless rolodex of clients. He knew he was stalling but sometimes his best ideas came when he was doing mindless things, so he continued. He opened up the drawers and started fumbling through things and then he saw it, his spark of inspiration. It was there under a pile of business cards, it had gotten pushed to the back of the drawer and had long been forgotten but it was there. He reached into the back of the drawer and pulled out the elaborate fountain pen set that she had given him when he had gotten hired on so many years ago. He felt a tiny pang of shame that he had never even opened up and used her gift, but well they were just too damn nice to waste he thought. He carefully opened the package and pulled out the pen and admired it. It became immediately clear to him, he had lost his way.
He knew then that an email would not do. An email was for business colleagues and clients, it was formal, business-like and impersonal. Everything he was not when he was with her. He pushed away the keyboard to give him room to write. He pulled out a blank sheet of paper and began to write with his feelings flowing from that pen like running water.
My Love,
Love,
Me
He pushed back from the desk and eased back in his chair to re-read what he wrote. He smiled as all of the warm memories of their life together flooded his mind. Satisfied, he folded the letter into thirds and wrote For My Love on the outermost third. He gently placed the letter on his desk, and turned to start shutting down his computer. It was already five o'clock and she was on her way to meet him. It was their 35th wedding anniversary and they would be going out to dinner.
As he was putting the last of his files away a sharp pain ripped through his chest. He forced himself back to his chair and slumped down into it. His left arm started to tingle and it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. His mind was racing, he couldn't go like this, no not now he thought. The pain was searing his body, then finally it was if his whole body went numb as his heart gave it's final beat.
He looked over his desk, at all of the things that had amassed on it through the course of a career. He had the usual arrangement of office supplies, staplers, tape dispensers, paper clips, post it notes and an endless rolodex of clients. He knew he was stalling but sometimes his best ideas came when he was doing mindless things, so he continued. He opened up the drawers and started fumbling through things and then he saw it, his spark of inspiration. It was there under a pile of business cards, it had gotten pushed to the back of the drawer and had long been forgotten but it was there. He reached into the back of the drawer and pulled out the elaborate fountain pen set that she had given him when he had gotten hired on so many years ago. He felt a tiny pang of shame that he had never even opened up and used her gift, but well they were just too damn nice to waste he thought. He carefully opened the package and pulled out the pen and admired it. It became immediately clear to him, he had lost his way.
He knew then that an email would not do. An email was for business colleagues and clients, it was formal, business-like and impersonal. Everything he was not when he was with her. He pushed away the keyboard to give him room to write. He pulled out a blank sheet of paper and began to write with his feelings flowing from that pen like running water.
My Love,
You are my moon and stars. You have had my love from the first time I saw you. These years together been the greatest of my life. I have tried to remember my life before you but I can not, it is as if my life truly started the day I met you. I can't imagine a life without you in it.You have given me true happiness and I feel I can be my true self when I am with you. You have been a wonderful wife, a great mother to our children and the love of my life. I love you with all of my heart, my moon and stars.
Love,
Me
He pushed back from the desk and eased back in his chair to re-read what he wrote. He smiled as all of the warm memories of their life together flooded his mind. Satisfied, he folded the letter into thirds and wrote For My Love on the outermost third. He gently placed the letter on his desk, and turned to start shutting down his computer. It was already five o'clock and she was on her way to meet him. It was their 35th wedding anniversary and they would be going out to dinner.
As he was putting the last of his files away a sharp pain ripped through his chest. He forced himself back to his chair and slumped down into it. His left arm started to tingle and it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. His mind was racing, he couldn't go like this, no not now he thought. The pain was searing his body, then finally it was if his whole body went numb as his heart gave it's final beat.
****
After she had found him slumped in his office chair all cold and clammy, she screamed and grabbed her cell. She dialed 911 and did everything the dispatcher had told her until the paramedics showed up. They did all that could be done, but in the end it wasn't enough.
She slumped down in his chair in shock and disbelief. She couldn't believe that he was really gone. She was looked over the things on his desk, she spotted the pen that she had bought him so long ago and the tears started to fall. As more and more of her tears softly fell upon the leather inlay of his desk, she looked up and that was when she found it, the letter.
She slumped down in his chair in shock and disbelief. She couldn't believe that he was really gone. She was looked over the things on his desk, she spotted the pen that she had bought him so long ago and the tears started to fall. As more and more of her tears softly fell upon the leather inlay of his desk, she looked up and that was when she found it, the letter.
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